We’ve already established what emotions are and how they differ from feelings. In this article I discuss the regulation of emotions as adults and 5 things you can try to help regulate your emotions.
The following will also be discussed:
- What does it mean to regulate emotions
- Why emotion regulation is important
- How to regulate emotions: 5 strategies
Regulation of Emotions: What Does It Mean?
Regulation of emotion as adults is a skill. This skill can be learnt by both adults and children since people of all ages sometimes find themselves in emotional states of disarray. But the way we go about regulating emotions is different for everyone.
Emotional regulation is the ability to take control over emotions to avoid letting it drive your actions or decision-making. This can be done either through increasing positive emotions, decreasing negative ones, or both.
According to Lori Jackson, a school psychologist, when we’re able to move from one event to another while managing our different emotions things can go smoothly.
However, when there is emotional dysregulation challenges and difficulties are sure to arise with each event. That’s why we need to make a conscious effort to control them (these efforts can become automatic with practice).
Why is the Regulation of Emotions in Adults Important?
We use emotional regulation to make us feel better. However, some strategies will only make us feel better in the short term while leaving us feeling worse in the long term. We see this a lot with people who make use of substances like drugs or alcohol.
Making use of healthy strategies will leave us feeling good in the long term and that’s why the regulation of emotions, especially in adults, are important. As adults we have a lot more responsibilities and stressors than kids.
Therefore, to function optimally we have to learn regulation of emotions as adults in a healthy way especially when there are minors or other dependents involved.
Another reason why it’s important to exert control over our emotions is to avoid saying or doing something in the heat of the moment just to end up regretting it later.
According to Psychology Today, “Emotion dysregulation is a component of certain forms of mental illness. Over time, it could have a negative impact on one’s personal well-being and social relationships.”
Regulating emotions can result in the avoidance of the following:
- Harming personal relationships from overreacting
- Suffering unnecessarily
- Losing out on opportunities (in career, personal life)
- Low well-being from bottling up emotions
How To Regulate Emotions As Adults: 5 Tips You Can Try
Emotion regulation develops in childhood. It’s something we learn to do as children which then gets carried through adulthood. Poor strategies carried into adulthood can have a negative impact as mentioned above. But these can be unlearned and changed.
As a child I would turn my sadness into anger. It was easier to manage than being sad since I had no one to talk to. However, this wasn’t a good strategy as I was bottling up my emotions and turning one bad emotion into another bad emotion. But I was a child and no one to teach me any different.
In my young adult years, I was introduced to alcohol. I was about 24 / 25 when I got drunk for the first time and experienced the sweet sweet feeling of being hungover. It suppressed my emotions for the moment but thereafter, things got worse.
It was only when I started therapy that I learnt some form of emotional regulation. All those years of bottling up finally popped the lid. Only once I started talking about my feelings to someone did things finally get better. And through the years I learnt more and more strategies that worked for me to regulate my emotions better.
Forward-Looking Strategy
This strategy goes hand-in-hand with Theory 2 in my article How Do Emotions Affect Behavior. People learn to anticipate emotional outcomes to certain behavior or events. Therefore, if we are able to predict what the emotional outcome of a situation will be, we can take measures to either prevent or lessen the impact (if the emotional outcome is negative).
If you know that talking about a certain topic angers you, don’t engage and steer the conversation or avoid it altogether. If a work colleague annoys you, stay away.
Another way this strategy is effective is by making use of a reward system. For instance, if you have a test coming up that you dread (but certainly cannot avoid), have a treat or some sort of reward ready afterward. This will help you get through it by looking forward to the reward.
However, there are limitations to this strategy. It doesn’t work well with people whom we have long-term relationships with. You can’t indefinitely avoid a family member or loved one. Using this strategy will only intensify those negative emotions, making this strategy ineffective. This leads us to the next strategy.
Practice Mindfulness
This is to be in the moment. Noticing your present experience and acknowledging it. Notice your emotions and physical sensations and become curious.
This will allow you to get to the root of the emotion. Why you are feeling this way right now. We can reach this state by slowing down our breathing which ultimately slows down our minds and thoughts.
Practicing mindfulness has been shown to benefit our emotional lives and calm our nervous system. Other benefits include mental and physical health.
Mindfulness can and should be practiced daily.
Acceptance
We hear this a lot. Accept what you cannot change and don’t let it influence your emotions. Easier said than done. I know, I struggle with acceptance a lot. We get angry about a lot of things especially things we hear in the news or things that are out of our control at work.
Since we already know what it is that evoked this intense emotion, all we are left with is to acknowledge it without judgement. Take a moment to feel and become self-aware and accept when you cannot change the situation.
As humans we are extremely resilient and adaptable. If it is something you can work around then find that solution. If someone else got promoted for the position you wanted and worked hard for, there’s nothing you can do.
Accept that it probably was not meant to be and if you really don’t like your current position, you can always apply for other positions or jobs at other companies. You don’t have to be stuck in one place. Accept and move on.
Positive Self-Talk
In the midst of a mental break-down it might be difficult to find positive things to say to yourself. But I have positive affirmations sticked everywhere in the house that I can see on a daily basis.
When I struggle to find something other than “you’re so stupid” or “what were you thinking?” I can always just look at those notes and read them.
To make them even more powerful, why not mention a little reminder of why those affirmations are true? For example:
- You are a great problem solver. Remember that time when…
- You are dearly loved by everyone who knows you.
- No matter how many times you fall down, you will always get back up again. Think of the time when…
- You are the strongest person. Remember that traumatic experience when…
You don’t have to let the negative emotions hold you back. There are ways to bring you back to reality. Negative self-talk is extremely subjective and, in most cases, not true.
By using these positive self-talk affirmations, you give real examples and evidence of how true those are. This leaves you with no reason to doubt in all the positive things you truly are and can be.
Calm Your Nervous System
Sometimes it’s really difficult to think our way out of an emotional situation. Even after trying the previous strategies. Therefore, we need to turn our attention elsewhere: the limbic system.
According to psychotherapist Britt Frank, dysregulation is the function of the autonomic nervous system.
The autonomic nervous system regulates things like heart rate, respiration, arousal, blood pressure and digestion. The limbic system forms part of reinforcing behavior. Thus, the two work together.
Here’s what you can try:
Take a cold shower / ice bath. I started doing this last year as I was nearing burnout and experiencing multiple panic attacks a week. Taking cold showers helped to lower my heart rate and calm my thoughts.
- Moving gently. I took a lot of walks outside (rather than jogging which I usually did) and increased my time spent doing yoga. This also helped with my breathing.
- Listening to music. Music plays a major role in most people’s lives. Listening to music with a slower beat may reduce your heart rate and calm your emotions.
One more thing that I tend to do which I found helps me are my pets. I was having severe anxiety one day and even just taking a few steps would leave me breathless. Unable to focus on my work, I decided to take a break and lay down on the living room floor.
Next moment, all 3 of my rabbits were on top of me, grooming me and giving kisses. I was so focused on where they were and what they were doing that it calmed me down. I went from a resting HR of 110 to 74.
My mind stopped racing and I was able to continue my day as “normal”. Don’t underestimate the power of your pets. They are able to sense what you’re feeling and help you when you’re alone.
The regulation of emotions as adults is extremely important especially if we didn’t learn the correct way of doing so as children. I hope these strategies can help you to regulate your emotions and live a happier, quieter life.
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