Can’t Say No? Learn How To Say “No”

Are you one of those people who just can’t seem to say no? You’re struggling with your current workload and yet you take on extra work when asked. Or perhaps your partner wants to go camping over the weekend and you agree even though you hate camping.

Whatever the scenario, you agree that you struggle to say “no”. Today we’ll look at reasons why some of us struggle with saying no and what we can do to learn how to say “no”.

Why We Can’t Say No

From a psychological aspect, the inability to say no stems from childhood. Many of us were brought up and taught to be polite. Part of being polite was doing what we’re told. If we say no it was interpreted as a form of back-chat.

In other, or more severe cases, refusing to do as we’re told meant punishment. So begins the cycle of negative reinforcement. However, it doesn’t always have a positive result.

Believing that saying no is bad can make it difficult for children to express their own feelings and preferences. For some, this might continue into adulthood.

Imposter Syndrome

Another reason we can’t say no (especially in a work situation), is due to something called imposter syndrome. We may feel like we’re not good enough or that our success in our current position was not deserved. Thus, we say yes to more work, to longer hours etc.

We say yes because we think our bosses may think we are unable to perform our responsibilities to the best of our ability. It can also be hard to say no to ourselves at times. We might say yes because we want to prove to ourselves that we CAN actually do the job we were assigned to do.

Empathy

According to Erin Eatough (2022), empathy and human nature is another reason we can’t say no. Since we are social creatures, we rely on human connection and that means we’re also afraid of disappointing others or creating conflict. This is due to our need for belonging.

Eatough makes use of a study from the University of Waterloo. People were asked to carry out certain tasks that went against their own ethical standing. Half of the subjects agreed to carry out the task(s) although they voiced their objections clearly. Why did they do this? Because saying no was too difficult.

However, this brings me to the next, and last reason why we can’t say no.

Authority

The Milgram Experiment was conducted in 1961. The purpose of the test was to examine the willingness of the individuals to obey an authority figure who instructed them to perform acts that go against their personal conscience and moral values.

The result of the experiment indicated that most people will commit unethical acts – acts that go against their own morals and values – if told by an authority figure to do so.

However, this can not only be evidenced by experiments, but real life as well. The strip search phone call scam is real life evidence that people will do almost anything when instructed by an authority figure.

A man, claiming to be a police officer, would call fast food restaurants and instruct a manager to perform a strip search on an employee. It included bizarre and humiliating acts and a violation of the victim’s rights.

Learn When to Say No

Struggling to say no is normal. But you can learn to say no by identifying signs of personal discomfort. The following signs are an indication that you might need to say no for your own good:

Feeling Uncomfortable

You know your own limits. If you are asked to do something that causes you to feel uncomfortable, you should rather say no. Take a breath and listen to your gut (or intuition).

People Pleasing

Pleasing others can be a natural incentive for performing tasks. However, if it comes at the cost of your own happiness and well-being it probably isn’t worth it.

Because of Work

There are a multitude of reasons why people can’t say no due to work. Learn to say no:

• When you’re overloaded with work. Rather wait until you’ve finished a couple of projects before taking on new work. Learn to beat imposter syndrome and gain some valuable time management skills as this will show you when and where you have time for work. It will also allow you to have time for yourself – not family, not friends, no extra obligations, only YOU.
• When you’re feeling guilty or obligated. You shouldn’t feel guilty or obligated to say yes to work from your superiors. Your job may require you to take on extra work when delegated by superiors but it doesn’t mean your time is less important than theirs.
• When it crosses your boundaries. This one counts both for in and out of the office. If you struggle with placing clear boundaries, please read my full article here.

A Few Things to Consider

If you still can’t say no or are struggling to do so, ask yourself these questions before saying yes instead:

• If I say yes, will it prevent me from focusing on something that’s (more) important to me?
• What are my core values, beliefs and goals? Does this (event) align with my values, beliefs and goals?
• Do I really have spare time, or will it cause burnout?
• Is it good for my mental health?

Leant How to Say No

Let’s learn how to say no. You don’t want to peeve someone off by just bluntly saying “no”. I know people like that and others generally think they are rude. But I know them and that’s just who they are.

However, when it comes to work or people in general, you don’t want to come across as an a**hole by bluntly saying “no” when they ask you to dog-sit for them. So here’s what to do:

Be Clear

You can decline a request while being kind and respectful. Be clear about your no so that no one is left wondering what you really mean. Don’t give an unclear answer like “It’s tough to say”. Rather try something like “I’m sorry, but I’m not able to” or “Thanks, but that’s not going to work for me.”

Extend Gratitude

Sometimes the person asking the favor (or event) is someone that means a lot like a best friend or family member. In that case you can express gratitude that they thought of you for being the best person for the job.

However, you’re not able to do it. You can try:

• Thank you for thinking of me. Unfortunately, I’m not able to.
• You asking me really means a lot but sadly, I can’t.

Final Tips

Just know that you don’t have to give an explanation as to why you can’t babysit or go to that party you were invited to. Sometimes the reasons are personal – and YES self-care is personal too.

It’s also not your job to offer alternatives. If someone asked you to house-sit, it’s not your job to say no and offer a friend who may be willing to help. The stress should not be on you to solve their problem.

However, when it comes to work things might look a little different. If you’re unable to take on more work it would be wise to give a reason why. Your mental health is more important than taking on another project that you don’t have time for.

Therefore, brainstorming an alternative might be a good idea too. You are allowed to let your boss know if someone in the office is looking for extra work. Or if someone else might be better suited for the project.

Why Saying No Is Good For You

Saying no is a form of self-care. And we all know how important self-care is not only for your physical body, but for your mental health as well.

Therefore, saying no holds a lot of benefits. Some of them include:

• Freeing up extra time for yourself. This time can and should be used to rest and recharge.
• It sets clear boundaries (and maintains them) with loved ones and colleagues.
• Saying no can help you engage in activities that aligns with your current goals.

Just remember, you can only have power over yourself. Don’t let anyone take that away from you. Exercise that power. It’s good for you.